The Queen and the Bohemian: On Sex
As told through a series of interviews and first-person accounts, we are exploring feminine experiences of sexual health and desire. With real-life wisdom from QueenBo contributors, we are asking questions and sharing our insights about pleasure and sexual wellness.
Today’s question: How to have a good sex after 50.
Let’s Talk About Sex. Let’s think about Sex. Let’s have good sex over 50.
Sex over 50 can be complex and complicated. It can be physiological, psychological or a loss of sex drive. In many cases, it is a combination of all three.
Common prescription drugs such as blood pressure medicine and many others can slow the sex drive into almost non-existence. As we age, our hormone production slows, causing a reduction in testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone. These hormones are what drive our libido and physical response to intimacy. Many of us will need to seek a physician’s help to bring back the sex drive we enjoyed in our youth.
If you are 50+ and find that you have lost your sex drive or “passion”, reversing it may be as simple as a change of attitude and thinking. The number one thing to “bring back that lovin’ feeling” is CONFIDENCE. That’s right, good old fashion confidence. Sure, you might not have that rockin’ body you had in your earlier years, you might have lost your hair or your once gorgeous features have now willowed into wrinkles, but you can still manifest confidence.
Confidence manifests attraction;
Attraction manifests desire;
Desire manifests sex.
The way we think about ourselves can and will give us the confidence to either start having sex again or have better sex than we have had in the past.
Confidence doesn’t just happen overnight. We have to work at it every day. An example of working on confidence in order to achieve your sex goals is to wake up every morning, sit quietly for a few minutes and breathe.
Think about how worthy you are of LOVE. Of PASSION. Of DESIRE.
Think about yourself in a desirable, sexual situation. Really start to fantasize about who and what you want. Keep it interesting, try something new. Do this every morning until you have perfected your fantasies. Once you have achieved the confidence to have sex the way you desire, then start another way of thinking and incorporate this into your everyday life with your partner.
Of course, this exercise also depends on your relationship status.
If you are not in a relationship and ready to start dating, you are going to have to put yourself out there until you get your desired relationship. You may just be looking for a fling, or maybe you’re ready for something exclusive/long term. To really get out there, start dating online.
Network with friends and co-workers. Let them know you are interested in meeting someone special. Put yourself out there.
If you’re already in a relationship and find yourself in a sexual rut (which happens to 99.9% of couples whether they have been together for 6 months or 30+ years) you will still have to put yourself out there too, but in a different way. Some of this may seem uncomfortable because we find ourselves doing and saying the same things in sex with our partners. Those of us who have been in a relationship a long time find ourselves in the same sexual patterns, having the same sex on the same nights of the week or even not at all. Use your personal fantasies to play out what we want and breathe life into a vibrant sex life.
This could be something as simple as buying a new negligee, something you feel comfortable in, yet desirable. Maybe in your fantasies you are having sex in a different position(s) or a different place–out in nature or on a vacation. These are easy things that we can change to fulfill our sexual desires.
A fun exercise is for you and your partner to each write a list of 5 things you want to add or change to your sexual repertoire to get out of the rut. New positions, role playing, dressing up, new location, sex toys…the possibilities are endless once you get rolling. Don’t forget to incorporate those fantasies you’ve been thinking about. Talk it out. This might feel awkward, but laugh about it, make light of it and explain to one another that knowing these things from the other partner will only benefit your sex life and intimacy. In the end it will help you and your partner fulfill your desired sexual excitement and connection.
One final thought is to schedule a ‘date night’. All too often we get busy with kids, jobs, commitments…life! We neglect our sexual desires until there is no more time or energy for our partners or sex. I have found that if we set aside some time for our significant others, we become closer and have more desire and our sex life is healthier and happier for it.
Don’t forget how easy it is to make someone feel sexy, confident or happy.
A simple text saying ‘Good Morning’ or ‘Can’t wait till tonight!’ (go dirtier if you dare!). A light smack on the bootie on the way out the door can set the tone for the whole day. Sometimes sex and desire is in the little things we do.
Make the time! You are worth it and so is your sex life. Think sexy and you will be sexy.
Married 30 years strong